Groin Shots...

The Dude · Post by **The Dude** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:39 am

...hurt. A lot.

Tonight at practice I inadvertently smashed myself in the junk with my basket hilt when going for an under the shield side shot.
It hurt so bad, but I couldn't help but laugh.
Any other particularly gruesome and/or funny stories?

Nissan Maxima · Post by **Nissan Maxima** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:02 am

I hit one of my own guys, name of Kellum in the junk and he needed an ultrasound of his balls to make sure he was still assembled right.

If it was reported to me correctly, I am led to believe that having a hairy med tech press your recently injured balls with an ultrasound probe is not pleasant.

Wenzel · Post by **Wenzel** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 6:26 am

At Pennsic 37, a very polite Midrealm spearman tapped me in the cup twice during the town battle... I readily took those shots, filing it under the doctrine of 'He was being nice to you!'

At Kingdom of Acre's Siege of Constantinople event this past May, I was merrily running along blasting away with my spear when an enemy shieldman ran up on me and threw what was probably meant to be a belly shot- predictably, that shot hit me square in the nuts. I cannot imagine what the result would have been if I had not been wearing a cup, as even with the cup, I just laid down for a good 5 minutes or so before I could get up.

Felt really bad for the guy who hit me, I almost ruined his fun that day (no, he didn't really ruin mine)- had to spent a few of those minutes laying on the ground convincing him that it was all good, and a nice shot that just happened to land in a not-so-fun place, and to go back and keep fighting and having fun.

lochinvar76 · Post by **lochinvar76** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:41 am

I was once party to a terrible cup shot... not on myself. At Boar's War (an extinct event) in Tucson many many years ago I was fighting spear on the brooken field battle. I was at the base of a hill harassing a row of shieldmen protecting their sides flag. I quickly became enough of a nuissance that one of the shieldmen decided to charge me down.

I threatened him with the tip of my spear which he attempted to knock aside... only he knocked it down. Everything happened FAST, but the downward deflected spear tip fell to press agaisnt his groin as he charged forward. Lots of momentum kept him coming and I actually let the spear go lax in my hands, slipping so as not to hurt him... only.... the butt of the spear lodged into a tree stump behind me.

I've never seen a fiber pole flex like that. I've also never heard a man let out a scream like that. I helped carry the poor fellow to the chiurgeon but I couldn't find him later that day or night to see if he was alright.

asbrand · Post by **asbrand** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:03 am

Many many moons ago, at a Meridian event called "Giant's Dance" (of which I was the autocrat this particular time), I witnessed a lady fighter take a cup shot from a two-handed sword thrust almost directly on her pubic bone.

We had to carry the poor lass off the field. I can only *imagine* the pain that poor woman was in.

Tor Magnusson · Post by **Tor Magnusson** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:10 am

Fighting from my knees and my opponent was fighting with and axe. He tried to come up under my tabled shield, the axe traveled straigt up the V created by my legs.... ouch, you really do see stars....

Gryffith Fitz William · Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:10 am

Is this what we call a bonding moment?

DELETEMYACCOUNT · Post by **DELETEMYACCOUNT** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:18 am

Heheh last year at war practice I had a new guy that needed an authorization to fight that day. I offered to fight him so they could see he was safe. No worries, only when I threw that thumb leader to his thigh I forgot he was left handed so it landed directly on the cup. Shattered the cup, I guess I hit kinda hard sometimes. I gotta give him credit though, he finished the fight and got the authorization

Dietrich von Stroheim · Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:34 am

I was fighting spear at Panhandle, and I aimed a lunging, one-handed body-shot at a large shieldman in the enemy line.

I fight in a low crouch when I do spear, so the angle was rising upwards.

Well, his unit chose that time to start a column charge, so he accelerated cup-first instead of belly-first into my spear, propelled forward by the entire column behind him.

Apparently (I learned this part later) his cup had shifted so that the tip of his junk was hanging out the side...can you imagine what it feels like to get lit up in the cup, unable to move backwards, and have the rim of the cup crushing down over the very tip of your goods?

He made a sound reminiscent of a monkey passing a kidney stone, and it probably felt pretty similar.

Hey, you asked for gruesome.

He disappeared in the column charge, but afterwards, when I sought him out to make sure he was ok, he was surprisingly at peace with the world

Haldan · Post by **Haldan** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:36 am

The Time: Waaaaaaaaay too long ago in Meridies ('83 I think)

The Event: "The Quest for the Holy Quail"

The Activity: A Grand Melee

Now at this event there were only a few (think 5-10) fighters.

Thus it was decided that before the standard double elemination tourney there was to be held a Grand Melee (basically everyone fights everyone else with a single victor emerging - also know as 'all against all'). And since at this time the rules of combat were ummm... less stringent, the Marshal in charge allowed a Combat Archer to participate in the Grand Melee.

Lay on is called and Furious Activity ensues. At the end of the action there are two men standing. The Archer and a Fighter who will remain nameless. Said fighter is equiped with a Kite sheild and sword. The unamed fighter looks at the Archer and does what any of us would do in that situation. Charge!!!!!!

The archer, seeing death approach reacts in a perfectly normal manner, He Aims and Shoots.

Fighter falls to the ground. Fighter stays on ground. Fighter rolls a round a bit on the ground.

It seems the Archer was better than anyone realized. He fired a fatal shot at the fighter. This miraculous arrow hit the fighter in the groin area.

Later, it was discovered that the cup of the fighter was broken into four pieces by the arrow.

Stephen Lacroix · Post by **Stephen Lacroix** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:46 am

During one of our weekly practices we were visited by a couple of knights and a duke who happened to be in our area. I wont get into names but the duke was a lefty. I was a young, inexperienced fighter and in my fervor to take on anyone I could get in front of I ended up in front of the left handed duke. I wish I could say that we made several passes before I was bested by His Grace, however there was only one blow thrown in the match. He came at me with a j-hook shot that dipped under my shield and was intended to rise up and strike me in the midsection. The dip part worked wonderfully. The midsection part? Not so much.

I was on the ground for a good five minutes before I could limp off the field. It was later that I discovered that my cup had actually been split in two.

My wife was none too thrilled.

Adamo · Post by **Adamo** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:02 am

Wenzel wrote:...
At Kingdom of Acre's Siege of Constantinople event this past May, I was merrily running along blasting away with my spear when an enemy shieldman ran up on me and threw what was probably meant to be a belly shot- predictably, that shot hit me square in the nuts. I cannot imagine what the result would have been if I had not been wearing a cup, as even with the cup, I just laid down for a good 5 minutes or so before I could get up.
...

Wenzel do you wear lamellar?
Either something like your story happened twice that day, or I have a picture of this mid-throw (I was standing nearby, I think my sister took the pic). I'll post it when I get home tonight if you'd care to see it.

Adam

Amanda M · Post by **Amanda M** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:28 am

I had someone at Estrella War crank off and try to impale me with a spear through the groin a few years ago. It was really really awful. I know I don't have balls so it's not the same but it was not nice. Guy hit me from Kansas.

Wenzel · Post by **Wenzel** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 9:34 am

Adam, I was actually wearing a heavy leather breastplate that day under my Bloodguard tabard. So probably not me... But it is entertaining on some level that the same thing happened twice.

Any chance I can check out the pic? I might even know one or both parties involved!

Louis de Leon · Post by **Louis de Leon** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 10:28 am

I brought my wife, my son and a nephew of ours to a Cleftlands fighter practice about a year ago. We were outside doing melee drills in preparation for Pennsic.

First time out I get hit in the balls with a spear. Hard. I never even saw who threw it. I saw stars. Next time out, I get it again from a different direction. Not as hard, but same damn thing. Third time out, same thing.

Fourth and fifth time out - you guessed it. And the last two were my own knight. Syr Eikbrandr would throw a thrust to my face, I'd block it, and a microsecond later - spear to the nuts. One-two-wham. Five trips out, five shots to the junk.

I gave up and went home.

The joke on the way home was that there was a secret meeting before practice.

"All right everyone, listen up! Louis is a father now, so technically we're too late to vote him out of the gene pool. But that doesn't mean we can't stop him from having any more kids. Ok group - any ideas?"

Count Johnathan · Post by **Count Johnathan** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:01 am

Sir Balin was fighting a guy once and struck him a inadvertently in the groin with a broadsword. Not usually a big deal but the guy went down and started making a strange almost puking but more like dry heaving sound. He went to the hospital.

Long story short the dumbass had taped his cup to the outside of some boxer shorts because he had forgotten his jock strap. That was a bad idea.

One of his testes was jammed up into his body and tore his intestinal wall. He almost died.

He's better now and I am sure he learned his lesson about wearing your equipment properly.

Yann de Kerhouarn · Post by **Yann de Kerhouarn** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:29 am

There are WAY too many stories of cup failures in this thread

I'm getting an upgrade before I take the field again.

Nissan Maxima · Post by **Nissan Maxima** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:30 am

Three words:
Hockey goalie cup

BdeB · Post by **BdeB** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:44 am

Nissan Maxima wrote:I hit one of my own guys, name of Kellum in the junk and he needed an ultrasound of his balls to make sure he was still assembled right.

If it was reported to me correctly, I am led to believe that having a hairy med tech press your recently injured balls with an ultrasound probe is not pleasant.

Hate to break it to you, but having a beatiful young female tech is just as bad.

Don't ask how I know...

BdeB · Post by **BdeB** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:45 am

We've had a lot of epic ball shots recently. Usually with spears but recently with swords.

I've been playing around with a low thrust that sometimes hits there. I've never been a popular guy, and this isn't helping....

Fokke · Post by **Fokke** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:39 pm

My very first melee experience at my very first event and my very first hit taken was a guy fighting "christian" style and he got a very good thrust in a very bad place.

There is no light to the jimmy!

Diglach Mac Cein · Post by **Diglach Mac Cein** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:40 pm

One of my squires brothers is pretty much a legend for some of the cup shots he's taken. For a while, he caught one in the cup 4 - 5 times a melee season! Some of the "highlights":

Yanked out of a shield wall by a spear that hooked his cup. He would get tugged, pull back, spearman pulled harder (no idea what he had hooked), until SNAP! The spear came loose....

Errant ballista bolt. From his OWN side, as he was returning to res point. Nuff said...

Small melee, guy on the other side is whirling a old-school tennis ball mace around, loses his grip. The lanyard breaks as the mace swings downward, hitting the ground head first. Mace bounces up like a tennis ball should, under the shield and... nuff said.

And -

Not a cup shot, but close -

My buddy is on the flank, facing off against his Knight and squire brothers. As he charges, his two wing men leave him. Squire brother gut thrusts him as the Knight throws a scorpion wrap. However, something goes HORRIBLY wrong as his feet catch or something and he folds over and face-plants, head and feet on the ground and butt in the air -

Remember the scorpion wrap? This was the a Ducal "Scorpion Wrap of Mass Destruction" shot. Didn't catch him in the cup, but the UNPADDED tip of the sword hits him right in the sphincter.

He didn't seem to make a sound, but the dogs on the hound coursing demo all stopped and looked around...

.

Dietrich von Stroheim · Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:43 pm

Dilan, your tales have brought me much (perverse) laughter today.

Thanks for that.

Particularly the scorpion wrap to the anus and the errant ballista bolt.

How can he be that unluckly??

Diglach Mac Cein · Post by **Diglach Mac Cein** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:21 pm

Couldn't be clean living.

The ballista shot was amazing. He said he had JUST stepped out the back of the crowd to head back to rez point in a bridge battle. NOBODY stays on guard when they are walking back to rez point. Bolt was already in the air - WHAM! -

And after the UAW (Ultimate Ass Wrap), he nearly went to the doctor - it hurt to sit, or shit. But he couldn't figure out how he could possibly expain what REALLY happened.

I was there for that. You couldn't tell what happened EXACTLY until he told you. I think his knight burned the the sword after that. Or bronzed it.

.

Count Johnathan · Post by **Count Johnathan** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:35 pm

Fokke wrote:My very first melee experience at my very first event and my very first hit taken was a guy fighting "christian" style and he got a very good thrust in a very bad place.

There is no light to the jimmy!

LOL wish that were true!

My first crown tourney I was fighting a Knight (I was still squire at the time) and I threw a flat leg shot and he stepped back with his left leg and I struck him right in the groin.

He looked at me and smiled then said "That hit me right in the cup! Glad I'm wearing one!"

Then he stepped forward and flatsnapped me in the head while I was trying to contemplate WTF he had just said. It was the lamest excuse to blow off a shot I have ever heard even to this day.

sha-ul · Post by **sha-ul** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:54 pm

Animal Weretiger wrote:Heheh last year at war practice I had a new guy that needed an authorization to fight that day. I offered to fight him so they could see he was safe. No worries, only when I threw that thumb leader to his thigh I forgot he was left handed so it landed directly on the cup. Shattered the cup, I guess I hit kinda hard sometimes. I gotta give him credit though, he finished the fight and got the authorization

before or after replacing the cup?

Kilkenny · Post by **Kilkenny** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:27 pm

Fokke wrote:My very first melee experience at my very first event and my very first hit taken was a guy fighting "christian" style and he got a very good thrust in a very bad place.

There is no light to the jimmy!

mmm.. except of course, that there is. If the shot doesn't have enough force to be good, and you have no reason to believe that your opponent was "being nice" (i.e., the three quick taps and you look back along the spear shaft to the grinning face...) then - light is light.

ladyilsebet · Post by **ladyilsebet** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:28 pm

thanks for the laughs, dilan! i really needed that today

Apollonian · Post by **Apollonian** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:31 pm

http://forums.armourarchive.org/phpBB2/ ... 506#363506

Adamo · Post by **Adamo** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:04 pm

This event was the first melee for the guy in the middle (purple tabard). The spearman was in our backfield, so the two of us ran him down.
I said "On the count of 1 get him. 1."
So TJ jumps in, hits him riiiight in the cup.
I thought it was a leg blow, so after the poor guy was hit in the cup I hit him in the head.

Adam

Blaine de Navarre · Post by **Blaine de Navarre** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 8:18 pm

Nissan Maxima wrote:I am led to believe that having a hairy med tech press your recently injured balls with an ultrasound probe is not pleasant.

I'm guessin' at that point it wouldn't matter if it was Salma Hayek pressing your recently injured balls with and ultrasound probe.

DigbyRS · Post by **DigbyRS** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:19 pm

A tall gent who used to fight in my barony had an on-going problem in that his leg shots work on normal folks, but when fighting someone his height his sword had a problem drifting "inside".

Its when they make you vomit that I was happy about my bargrill, as I used to have a closed face helm... I though he had stopped my heart at first and I could feel it all the way up to the origin of the gonads... I have a reasonable idea where my ovaries would have been if I was born XY.

Randall

Nissan Maxima · Post by **Nissan Maxima** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:22 pm

This is a picture of me at the very moment I was stabbing Sir Killian (In green) in the groin. Sorry man.

Nissan Maxima · Post by **Nissan Maxima** » Thu Nov 12, 2009 11:25 pm

This is a picture of me hitting Sir Wolfgang Krieger in the nuts. Sorry, man.

Tor Magnusson · Post by **Tor Magnusson** » Fri Nov 13, 2009 5:39 am

I was really hesitant to open this thread this morning once I saw the paper clip indicating pictures

Just remembering the old "Show us your bruse" thread.